SCENT OF A MAN
Novelist and playwright Tobly McSmith shares the story of his search for a signature fragrance and why that process was integral to establishing who he’d dreamed of becoming.
WHEN IT COMES TO COLOGNE, I wear Acqua Di Gio Profumo by Giorgio Armani. I was drawn to this cologne because it smells salty like the sea, musky like sex, and mature like a man. A versatile scent that works in the office and going out. It’s fresh and clean, with hints of fir trees and patchouli, and as the first google result calls it: “intensely masculine.” As a transgender man, I’m drawn to fashion and fragrance that help define my gender. After transitioning years ago, I wanted a signature scent to begin my new life. My first years as a trans man, I was self-conscious and feared being misgendered. I wanted a cologne to help announce to everyone that I was a man. I spent an hour in a Sephora smelling sample sticks until I swear I could taste the smells. What was I looking for? A scent as confident as I wanted to be. Something intensely masculine.
My first memory of cologne—like many people, I’m sure—was from my dad. He passed away when I was eleven, and I don’t have enough memories of him. What I do remember is his smile, clothes, the way everyone loved him, and his cologne—a strong and masculine scent that would linger in a room minutes after he left. I don’t remember the brand of cologne, but the smell was so uniquely him that shortly after he died, I broke down crying in a store when a man passed by me wearing the same scent. That was my dad’s smell, how dare anyone else wear it. My dad—like many dads, I’m sure—was not a perfect man, but in many ways, I’ve modeled my manhood on his, including a defining scent. (I’d rather not have it linger after I’ve left the room but would like the smell to not disappear off me after one subway ride.)
When I was in Sephora, I wasn’t looking for my dad’s scent, I was looking for mine. When I sampled Acqua Di Gio Profumo, I found my manly smell. I imagined the thrill of a girl complimenting my cologne and maybe someday a girlfriend smelling a shirt that I had left behind and missing me.
I knew this was my scent. I purchased the big bottle and every morning before work, I would stand in front of the mirror and spray Acqua Di Gio Profumo as my finishing touch. And day by day, as the testosterone worked its magic and I become more confident in myself, I would see the man I wanted to be in the mirror. I never really needed Acqua Di Gio Profumo to define my gender—I could do that on my own—but it did help me be confident in my masculinity.